In a word: excavation. This came to me whilst doing OSHO Dynamic meditation today (24/10/15). I am excavating the many layers of repression, armouring and junk within me that prohibits me from being my authentic self. That stops the bliss entering me. For much of this lifetime I have experienced a great deal of pain and misery. From a very young age right up to 2013 I experienced mostly continuous depression, sadness and misery. With the understanding I have now, I was clinging to my pain, I still do from time to time. It is all I have known. There is safety in known territory. I have been a great actor, painting on a smile, telling the world that I am grand, not a bother on me. Then running home crying and hiding in my duvet where I didn’t have to fake anymore.
Osho is a mystic who left the body in 1990 so I have not met him in person but I have encountered his presence. I am growing in familiarity with his meditations, his spoken words via audio talks and books and through my dreams. He calls his followers his sannyasins’, and he has called me to be his sannyasin though I don’t have a new name yet. It will come and more importantly I have responded. I didn’t know this in the beginning. I didn’t really know on a conscious, mind level what I was entering. I just felt a big YES.
I first heard about Osho through a former lover. We did OSHO Chakra breathing, although at the time I did not know the name of the meditation, I only knew that something happened within me and it never left me. This happened in 2007, yet I did not start doing OSHO meditations until 2013 on a continuous basis. I had just done that one meditation back in 2007 and I wanted to know where could I get it but couldn’t remember the name of it. Then I had to deal with a long standing, painful family issue. It took years. I also ‘fell in love’. That taught me a lot but it wasn’t genuine love. It highlighted how I used the other to hide from my own pain and emptiness. Those were, I see now, my first steps towards awareness, to waking up. Mind you I have always been the type of person to face the truth and look it squarely in the face. It has pissed a lot of people off and caused me huge pain but now I am glad that is part of who I am (don’t ask me what the rest of who I am is – I haven’t a notion).
The long standing issue came to a conclusion in Oct 2012 and in 2013 I said enough and drew a line under that chapter of my life. In that space of saying enough, sometime in March / April (I think) I came across a group that shared weekly OSHO meditations, which is now known as Osho Dublin. I finally plucked up the courage to go along at the end of May 2013. We did OSHO Kundalini and that was it for me. I started going every week with the occasional exception. At the time I was on anti-depressants and by the middle of July I was off them as I kept forgetting to take them and felt no side effects of depression.
Each week we did a different meditation led by Kailash and Bhairavi on alternate weeks. It opened up something inside of me. It was the beginning of the excavation. I felt joy, freedom and bliss for the first time in my life. A light had pierced my darkness. I felt a tremendous freedom in the OSHO meditations. They are not easy. They reveal your own inner garbage and shit and not everyone wants to go there but I know I do. When I hear Osho speak, or experience a meditation or read his words, I feel a massive yes. It makes sense to me. It is in accord with what I have always felt deep down is the truth. I find that Osho is able to express those feelings and knowings that I had no words for. It is why I choose him as my master. It is why I joyfully, painfully, do the meditations. I am honoured to share his work with others who want to join me.
From that first step, I now share OSHO meditations along with Bhairavi in Osho Dublin and I have shared them at the Bliss Festival in 2014 and 2015. I will continue to share OSHO’s meditations and works in whatever capacity existence chooses for me and I feel honoured to do it. So from time to time I will be sharing here on this blog how I relate with Osho, be it the meditations, his talks or books.
To join us in an OSHO meditation visit www.meetup.com/oshodublin
To find out more about Osho, his meditations, his talks, books and the OSHO International meditation centre in Pune visit www.osho.com